I Did NOT Wake Up Like This... And Neither Did You!

I said in one of my last posts that something pretty shocking happened to me while I was in Spain. In truth, there were a lot of things that happened during my time there that have opened my eyes and given me new perspectives, but this experience that I'm particularly referring to made me feel very isolated. Like an American whose been gone too long.
This is part 1 of that experience, and you can ultimately thank Beyonce.
I was in Spain to teach English at a project outside of Madrid. I flew into Barcelona, partially because I love the city, partially because I have an acquaintance studying there who told me I could crash at her place. Upon arrival, she told me that actually that plan wasn't okay with her host mom, but I could stay with her "friends", no problem. This is one of the many reasons why she's an acquaintance.
Still thinking about the free accom, I took it. We spent the day together, sight seeing and catching up, but what really struck me was how much she complained about the girls I was going to be staying with. It made me really nervous.
"They just say stupid things." She told me. That could mean so many things! Can you give me an example? "Not really," She told me, "But you'll see."
Gulp.
When it came time to head over there, I had an ache in my stomach. I was so nervous although I had no idea what to expect. If I'm totally honest, the word "white" was thrown around a bit, but I never really know what to think when someone says to me, "They're white girls." I'm familiar with white people. Umm, I'm half white. I have white friends. These people are cool, honest, open-minded, and educated so whatever emotion or understanding "white" was supposed to evoke in me was totally lost, and just left me to more anxiety and confusion.
Walked through the door - yes, okay, they're white. There was no loud screeching, the walls didn't crumble... Just some innocent, polite small talk. I began to ease. What's the trap?
There was this cool Venezuelan girl with us, Francie, we'll call her. Francie also lived there although my acquaintance hadn't mentioned her at all. Francie rolled a jay. She was the first and only person I liked right off the bat.
We all sat together and smoked, kept talking about life abroad, at home, in general... when the conversation took a strange turn.
Something prompted the conversation onto Beyonce.
Now, this was not long after the "notorious" unphotoshopped pictures of Beyonce were published by one of her fansites. Naturally, we began talking about it.
Let's get something straight. Beyonce is obviously a gorgeous woman. She's 33, which is by no means old, but 33 is not 16.

This is Beyonce's face, so why is Loreal trying to sell us someone totally different?

When I look at these pictures, the only thing I see that's ugly is all the gunk that Loreal has smeared all over this beautiful woman's face. There was never a moment where I thought, "Beyonce is ugly" but I was overwhelmed by the thought, "That make up is a lie!" And clearly, the photoshopped pictures prove it.

Looking at the photoshopped pictures, I would want to run to my nearest Target and get the new foundation! Get that new eye shadow. Get that new lipstick! Of course, I know in the back of my head that Beyonce uses different make up on a daily basis, but for the Loreal campaign, she looks great!
Those unleaked photos shatter this belief. It shatters your trust in the shitty make up you can afford, and forces you to take a look at a beauty icon for what she really is -- a human. This doesn't have to be devastating. This can be empowering. Seeing Beyonce covered in the make up she doesn't need forces us to confront ourselves and our own make up rituals that we do day in and day out in order to "be" beautiful. In order to keep our heads high when we claim, "I woke up like this".
Beyonce sets two beauty standards. A realistic one. One that's fierce and sexy. One that dances and sings with confidence, and walks through the streets with a bright smile and a gait of charisma. That's beautiful!
But the other beauty standard Beyonce has set is not realistic. It's the one that tells us if we just do this, if we just wear that, if we just LOOK like this, we'll be beautiful and everyone will think so and tell us so too. The Loreal pictures are the best thing that's happened to us in a long time. It shows the farce of it all. Not just the farce of the make up, the farce of the standard.
The sham of the expectation.
And that's all I said to the American girls in Barcelona.
But they heard something else.
The unleaked Beyonce photos make a mockery of the beauty industry, but for many women, the beauty industry has succeeded in convincing them that their untouched faces are not beautiful at all, and so in return the beauty industry has become a self-esteem life saver for these women. To crush the beauty industry is personal.
To those girls, the unphotoshopped pictures of Beyonce did not directly challenge them, they directly attacked them. These were girls who believed the lie. They wore thick make up. Their hair was burned with bleach. They talked about their insecurities as though swapping juicy secrets.
I should have picked up on the social queues, but, I was high.
On a final limb, they claimed, "Those pictures were fake!"
Even if they were, it forces us to think about these things, isn't that great? Isn't that what our hyper materialistic culture needs?
No. Not for them. Not at all.

What my acquaintance had meant when she said, "They're white" was really "They're extremely privileged and have never had their bubbles popped." (That sounds kind of weird to write out, but you know what I mean). I walked into their lives, with a giant backpack and an open mind, and gave them a reality check they won't soon forget. And it wasn't even on purpose. At some point, people of color and/or LGBTQ people face this sort of reality check... That the main narrative isn't for them. That they're different. Or weird. Or ugly. These white American girls never had to feel that until I dismantled the power of the beauty industry before their eyes and they were left with questioning the beauty of their faces without the Loreal bandage.
Unfortunately, the conversation didn't end well. I feel strongly about this issue, but ultimately I'm comfortable in my skin. None of this was personal for me. Their responses evoked genuine curiosity from me and feeling the effects of the jay, I really just wanted to understand them. It ended with them saying to me, "Are you still talking shit about Beyonce?" That's when I realized that we could never find each other if we're on totally different planets. I let it go.
My acquaintance and Francie clapped for me, telling me this is what they'd been dealing with and what bravery it took for me to actually take those girls on. But in all honesty, it was just that I was in a state of mind where I really just wanted to sit back and talk about the bigger issues in our society... I was in no way prepared to give a lesson on the importance of body acceptance and body-image positivity that unrealistic beauty standards undermine for the sake of profits. I wasn't ready to go into why Beyonce's fake-me-out Loreal campaign is a capitalistic ploy to make you feel uncomfortable with how you look, finding contentment only behind chemical-laden lipstick or in a bottle of cheap foundation.
The girls went to bed angry that I'd poked them to wake up. I went to bed confused that such a deep mindset can really exist among my peers.
It was an important experience for me. Truly shocking. Truly eye-opening. Or am I just so out of it in Germany where people aren't so duped?
I could hear the girls talking from their room while I lied on the couch. "Oh my god. Sean just face-timed me!" "Why didn't you answer?" "Ew because I'm so ugly right now!"

 

Are you fucking serious?

There are a lot of ways that we are breaking down these social constructs that make us feel insecure.
Barbie sales are on the decline. More people are publicly identifying with feminism. In 2012, two girls from Maine successfully campaigned to change one of the most popular teen magazines in America to show real girls. The internet is flooded with movements against the social sources of debilitating self-esteem, from the unapologetic campaign of The Body is Not an Apology, to Twitter's #bodypositive, to the amazing women who take the Ted stage to demand change.
It's not okay that the two young women I met in Barcelona are the rule and not the exception. I guess when I think about my friends, I realize it's in them too, only surfacing in the passing comment. When I want to meet society's standard of beauty (at least in my mind), my under eye circles feel like two dark demons hanging on my face. We all have insecurities, but they shouldn't debilitate us into consumerist slaves. We shouldn't feel sub-human if we're not "flawless".
I mean, hey, this is me writing this blog post right now.

I really did wake up like this.

And yes, yoga pants are on.
I do not believe make up in itself is bad, but I do believe that the way it is marketed is shaming and that's shameful. Perfection is a disease of a nation. Just ask Beyonce.

*Stay tuned for Part 2: They Kylie Jenner Experience

A Cisgender Tear for the Trans* Community

So since I live in Europe, sometimes I am totally lost when it comes to American culture.

For example, I thought Nikki Minaj was a joke for the longest time. Props to her doing her thang, and I wish her much success, but I literally sat here for two years thinking she was not a serious celebrity. When I came home over Christmas break, my little brother sat me down, put his hand on my shoulder and said with a solemn face, "D, she's had the number one hit for the last 8 weeks straight."

I hope I've illustrated my ignorance.

I just spent some time in Spain, and upon arrival I stayed with some American girls who were friends of friends of friends. Now, this wasn't my usual circle of people, but I was in no way prepared for the level of celebrity-interest they shared. I'm teetering on calling it obsession. (That's another story... that I need to share very soon).

Point is, while in Spain, these girls taught me just how influential the Kardashian family actually is for some Americans. Although it still baffles me, I've decided to understand, accept, and deal with this rather than stick my nose up at what seems totally superficial and sad (is that me sticking my nose up?).
All of this to say now I pay more attention to the headlines when they make it, and as all of us know, Bruce Jenner, has captured the spotlight for the last week or so. The first headline I saw was about him in a dress, and after clicking on it, I was utterly disgusted. Not with him, of course. The photos were clearly the work of a powerful megazoom capturing a transgender person in the privacy of their own home. I could feel the invasion of privacy all the way over in Germany. All I could think is, "This is what's gossip worthy?? Going to a person's house and photographing them as though they're some sort of freak, then publishing it for the sensationalism?" It's disgusting.

The photos have since been removed, as they were apparently illegal. No duh.

Still, upon further investigation (a quick google search) I realized just how many articles there were on Bruce Jenner just like the dress-scandal. "And on Friday NIGHT," many articles wrote, "HE will COME OUT and TELL-ALL(!) with Diane Sawyer!"

Facepalm. This is transmisogyny.

Immediately, I thought about the trans* community that I follow on my social media networks. I don't know any trans* people personally. Most of my friends are cisgender and heterosexual. I only know one queer person, a friend of a friend, and we've never actually had the opportunity to talk about these subjects together. This means that most of my "education" on these issues DID come from "exposes" like 20/20 "Boy in the wrong body!" sensationalist transition stories. I was ignorant. So, so ignorant. Growing up, and using social media to educate myself instead of mass media which just wants to create the biggest buzz (usually through an exaggerated oppressive narrative), has shown me that beyond the right to transition, there are other very important issues in the trans* community that need to be addressed immediately.

It's great that Bruce Jenner went on national television and "came out". Many people from the queer community and beyond have praised Jenner's bravery and courage. Jenner's story was a necessary social confrontation to mass America. However, it would be tragic if this became another "freak-transition" story, and it seems like that is what the mass media is doing with it. For one layer of this issue, Bruce Jenner should help the trans* community by normalizing transgender peoples. As Signe Pierce so shockingly uncovered, transphobia is a real and destructive behavior that many cisgender people harbor within themselves.

 It is our job, as cisgender/hetero feminists, to hear all corners of the communities that we stand with to make sure their cries are heard.
There are layers to social issues, and the intersectionality of gender with race and class skews the volume and importance of a group's cries, and from what I'm seeing from many trans people of color is that this has created a firestorm of misguided publicity on trans issues.
I'm not saying that Bruce Jenner caused any harm. I'm saying the direction in which the public conversation continues is vital.

Alexa Vasquez, who works to empower trans Latina women in California, perfectly summed up what I have seen many trans* people say in the aftermath of the Jenner expose: "Many will tune in to watch and begin to believe they understand, accept, and value our community based on Jenner’s experience." And they won't, because, as Katrina Goodlett of the Trans Women of Color Collective told Fusion, "Mainstream media wants to prop up this narrative of 'transition' when for many trans folk that is not the goal!"

Darkmatter, the queer South Asian performance art duo, has been saying it over and over and over:
"There is a difference between being insecure and being incarcerated
 Between being lonely and being placed in solitary confinement
 You call it a ‘rainbow;’ we call it a ‘racial wealth divide’"

As Ash Beckam said, "There's no such thing as harder, there's just hard." For Bruce Jenner and many other rich white people who are struggling with their gender identity, coming out may be one of the hardest things imaginable. For a black woman who is beaten to death by the police for living outside of the cisgender construct, it's another story. There is no such thing as harder when issues are viewed personally, but systemically, we live in a world where people are facing dangers of vastly different proportions. Transwomen are held in male-prisons and immigration detention centers. When one issue is elevated beyond the others and in the context of the movement is relatively exclusive, I shed a cisgender tear.

I am "lucky" enough to identify as cisgender. I understand this privilege. For those who identify outside of the gender binary, I can only imagine the fear that comes with coming out to friends and family. I stand with you. But what do I want to fight for? I want to fight for a world where people aren't legally murdered for their gender identity. I want to fight for a world where the average age of transpeople is longer than 35 years old. I want to fight for a world where marginalized groups within marginalized groups have their voices heard.

There are ways in which we can do this. It's not that Trans* people of color are not speaking, it's that mass media is not listening. That's not an excuse anymore. With social media we can EASILY bypass the propoganda. The Trans Women of Color Collective does a lot of great work that you can learn about below and on their website.

As cis people we need to educate ourselves on trans issues BEYOND the "transition" story. Here are some links:
Transgender people behind bars
Trans* people murdered in the United States 
Trans Panic Defense: A legal defense for murdering a trans* person
I also linked three videos of trans*/queer people discussing/highlighting trans*/queer issues as well as the Fusion interview of two trans* activists just in this one blog post!

No excuses!

It is important that those within the gender binary reject this construct as the only "normal", reject society's dehumanization of those who stand outside of the binary, accept people for who they are with tolerance and the willingness to understand, and fight the social violence, discrimination, and oppression still imposed on this group.
I'm not saying anything new, I'm just echoing what I'm hearing within the queer community. There are other voices than the rich white ones who sit across from Diane Sawyer. Don't swallow the main narrative, challenge it! 

A Post About Posting

 Hola,

I was in Spain for the last month and posting kept getting postponed. As of now, I keep trying to finish a post but something keeps coming up. As of now, I have three different tabs open with three totally different blogs.

Feminism continues to challenge me and I continue to challenge feminism.

It's been wonderful and beautiful and painful too.

I will publish as soon as I can!!!

Can Men Be Feminists?

Repost.

Book Review: Half the Sky

Half the Sky is my Bible.


That is all.


No I wish it were all but those three words can ignite a wildfire of passion within me... I'll rage like the strongest waterfall... Half the Sky is a book that EVERY feminist should read to understand the state of womanhood on a global scale. It's that important. Every human regardless of the organs between your legs should read this book. And then do something. Whether that be donating to a worthy non-profit or charity, taking a few months to do volunteer work, or just re-examining your attitude toward global feminism. This book changed my life and I have nothing but respect and admiration for Sheryl WuDunn and Nicholas Kristof, and so much empathy for the women and girls who shared their stories and gave voice to the millions of women suffering around the world.

Get this book.

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Half-Sky-Oppression-Opportunity-Worldwide/dp/0307387097/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427312100&sr=8-1&keywords=half+the+sky

A Feminist Body: Ode to the Fuzzy Ladies

I love to be sexy

I love that this body is mine

But if you 

just sexualize me

you jeapordize a 

chance to dive down 

the depths of my mind

So don't.

Don't get me wrong

I said I love this body

but I'm not just some 

superficial hottie

or naughty 

or gaudy
This body is filled and covered with stories
tales of glamour and grit and glory

I don't shave my legs

or my armpits

or my mons pubis

My hair grows free as the grass

Long and fresh --

Why don't more people do this?

I've been braless

Bare and Braless

since I was barely sixteen

My boobs are my best friend

I'd never suffocate them

because someone says nipples are unseen

I love my body

From the shape

to the skin

to the brain

in the head

which my mane

grows in.

I love my scars

and the stories they tell

Times in paradise

Times in hell

I'm a patchwork person

Look at the stitch marks 

and the skin grafts

Like the many lands

which polka-dot a world map

The blemishes

The stings

The spots

The burns

You could look at me and sexualize me

or you could look at me and learn

and know

and grow

as the grass

in the air

Like my armpit hair.

  

Book Review: The Purity Myth (otherwise titled I'm so sick of the Clean Virgin/Unclean Slut Dichotomy)

Welcome to my first book review rant.

Sooo a few months ago, I read this book called the The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti. The book takes a critical approach to the cultural narrative told to girls about their sexuality via media, family, and sex education in the United States. If I'm totally honest, it wasn't really a shocker because I come from a pretty conservative family and had to learn on my own that a lot of the religious teachings that constructed my views toward my sexuality were, well, bullshit. I thought Valenti took a harsh approach to these people, judging them just as severely as they judge sexually active women. Yeah, it's a frustrating situation, but when I think of my poor lost family members that gave me advice during my teenage years, I don't see evil puritans... I see people who only want to make their God happy and help everyone around them make it to heaven. It's backwards and wrong, but I think the solution is through empathy, not judgement. Isn't that what we're constantly demanding when we fight to end slut shaming?
Nevertheless, Valenti has good intentions, and to paraphrase The Perks of Being a Wallflower, read it with a filter, not like a sponge. Overall, I did learn some new things, she proved a lot of connections between culture, belief, and the damage of this Virgin/Slut dichotomy that is essential to fighting misogyny. 
Since reading this book, I feel as though I've been put on high alert. I see the dichotomy in movies (ESPECIALLY kids movies), music (I'm looking at you, mainstream!), and, sadly enough, the next generation of Americans.

In my family, I'm known as the open-minded one, and even though conservative families tend to frown on progressive hippies, I can tell you confidently that they don't hesitate to call ME when they're stuck in a pickle.
So this week, I got a call from my cousin who's having boy troubles. She's only in 10th grade, but we've been close since toddler days and so we still talk often even if I'm halfway across the world. She was telling me about her current beau and how actually she's over it. Wants to be single. It's the way of the high school game.
"But I've done stuff with him!" She said to me.
"So?? If you don't like him then... uhh... break up with him!" I told her. And that's when she said something I hadn't heard in years and was hoping to never ever hear again. "Yeah but if he tells, no one will want to be with me. Guys don't want a girl who's used."
I think I vomited a little bit in my mouth when she said it. My cousin is one of the most beautiful, intelligent, athletic people I know and for her to doubt her merit because of her sexuality made me so terribly sad and frustrated for her. And that's exactly what I told her, give or take a few words.
I basically replied that it's absolutely untrue that guys won't want to be with her anymore, and if some dont, they're prude assholes whose parents are obviously raising them with morals from the 18th century and who needs that anyway?

But it did have The Purity Myth alarm bells ringing in my head. I realized how spot on Valenti really was with how deep this dichotomy goes. First my cousin was the beautiful, smart athlete, but a little sexual exploration and BAM -- concrete slut for all eternity. It's not fair. And change only exists in education. We cannot let this mindset go unchecked. So I recommend the book whole-heartedly as a part of the fourth wave foundation.